Karma and Lies

Hey Boys and Girls!

Yes, it has been a long time since we've hung out. How are you? Oh, man. so much to say and so little space to do it with.

I'll be back in action here. I've gone away from doing anything that really represents ME. And writing is one of my favorite things in the world. I've missed pouring out all of my stupidness to the faceless few (and I'm sure it's VERY few at this point) who actually read what I have to say. Started "THE BOOK" finally. But I'm going to use you all (if it's okay) to keep the creative juices going. Every day...I need to write at least SOMETHING.

Today's subject...Karma.

SexyBodyGunsMan (see previous entry...) and I have been hanging out for the last few months...in a friend-ish capacity. Everyone at work thinks we've been sleeping together...and I started to think that maybe we should be. We got along so well, and though I wasn't really attracted to him like I thought I was...I considered that maybe this could be THE GUY. (Yes, that is the ramblings of someone with 35 year-old hormones) Anyway, we have never done the deed, and he had kind of started dating some other chick.

This is the point in the story where karma stepped in.

I've been mad at him for the last couple of weeks because of multiple lies he has told...and I just found out about. He's been sleeping with my best friend for 10 months (LIE). He claims that every girl he ever liked backed off because of me (LIE). I got into a confrontation with some woman I don't even know who was talking to him...at a party where there were many witnesses (LIE). I am devastated that he's dating this other girl...and giving him attitude about it (LIE).

There have been a few moments in our "relationship" where we crossed the friends line...kissed him once. And I'm so glad that's all there's been...

The girl he's been seeing became incredibly intoxicated last night and was YELLING to a group of us (all his friends) that he's terrible in the sack. She literally kept hollering, over and over, "THE SEX SUCKS! He's cool but THE SEX IS TERRIBLE!"

It was like Santa came early! Granted, this is a very messed up story to be telling, let alone yelling in a bar in front of a bunch of SexyBodyGunsMan's friends. But I feel like our universal friend Karma came and slapped him in the face. It's like an After School Special...Tell Lies and Karma Will Bite You In The Ass...

I feel like the universe was looking out for me. Had I gotten naked with him and found out about his sexual issues, we probably wouldn't hang out anymore. But as it is, I get to watch him squirm under the embarrassment of his outing...and watch the festivities unravel as he tries to come up with an explanation for this girl saying what she did.

I'm guessing he'll say she was LYING. He would know!

I wish him luck! Let the games begin!

What Can Happen In 24 Days?

Yes, It's been a while. Things have been SOOOPER crazy! There's been parties, boys and work. Drama, allergies and softball. It's funny how much can happen in such a short time...but can you believe that it's almost May? Freakin crazy! :)

I had a job interview Monday with a school in Kansas for the whole teaching/coaching thing. I know, I know, I wasn't going to do it. But someday I have to grow up and do what I have been supposed to do all along. Growing up sucks. I really don't like it.

Funny thing is that right after I found out about my interview, I got an offer for a different job at the company I work for now. AAARGH!!!!

Parts of me want to go...the deep, recessed part of me that wants to be an adult. But I don't want to leave my guys!! I've become addicted to the testosterone I'm surrounded by at all times. C'est pathetique. I know. But I also know that I don't want to be a secretary for the next two years. I am over being bossed around by people who aren't as smart as me....I mean lovely wonderful people. Yes, I'm a bitch. Deal with it.

I'm pretty comfy here right now. But I think I need to go. But I also haven't been offered a job yet.

Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.
Just had to get it out.

How To Flirt With Multiple Boys - or - How To Make Your Life As Crazy As Possible

Dear Diary,

I don't know whose life I'm living. Who are all these boys? Where did they come from? Why do they all have to work in the same building/truck/crew? Maybe you can help me with the problem I seem to be having.

PROBLEM #1
Talking to cute boy #1 and flirt while cute boy #2 you just went out with on Saturday stands about 10 feet away pretending to weld something (at least I think he was welding, could have been smelting or similar...must look up definitions)

Hottie McCreamMyPants is telling me how good I look. How he wants to take me for a "ride" on his "crotch rocket" (all puns real and intended) I can't help but giggle because he could probably fart in my general direction and I would still swoon. But GigantorMan is lingering and keeping a watchful eye while pretending to work. Is this a good situation...since everyone knows that a guy likes a little competition. Right? Or did I just make it up? I felt like I was in an episode of Dallas or Dynasty or The Hills .... but it was kind of fun. Having two guys flirt with you and jealously watch each other doing it is strangely intoxicating.

SOLUTION - PROBLEM #1

Uh, keep doing it?


PROBLEM #2
Does a ridiculously hot body trump a missing tooth?

SexyBodyGunsMan likes me. He's cute, pretty funny, tall and has the most beautiful body I've seen in a while. Seriously, I feel like a construction worker when I get to see him pound on big things at work with one of those things you pound with...uh, hammer? Sorry. Thinking about his slightly too small t-shirt straining on his Popeye-ish arms. See? Like a construction worker. I do shameless things around him...for example, enjoy this conversation:

Anastasia: So, SexyBodyGunsMan, what is it that your ever-so-contouring t-shirt says?
SexyBodyGunsMan: (Leaning his Pectacular Pecs in my face) Well, Anastasia, it says "Blahbedydowhogivesashit"
Anastasia: (Nodding head and feigning interest) Ahh, yes. I see that now.

there is a noticible pause in conversation in which I try to look as intellecutal and innocent as possible...and then...

Anastasia: But, SexyBodyGunsMan, what does it say underneath your shirt?


Yes, I know. I should be locked up.

But here's the thing. He's missing a tooth. I'm a big tooth person. I like a nice, gigantic grill, similar to the one that Hottie McCreamMyPants has. Like the big choppas. Straight. White. All there. This guy makes a lot of money and can afford to fix his jacked up grill. But am I being the absolutely most shallow and horrible person ever?

SOLUTION - PROBLEM #2

Buy him some Chiclets to pop in the space when we hang out?


PROBLEM #3
Hottie McCreamMyPants, GigantorMan and SexyBodyGunsMan are all on a work crew together.

Literally, they all work on the same truck together. All the time. And guys are worse than girls I've discovered when it comes to the gossiping...the whole building is like a big locker room.

Hottie McCreamMyPants HATES when I talk to SexyBodyGunsMan. He pouts and walks away and won't give me the time of day. So I do it more, and when he comes around again, it's like a magic spell I have woven. GigantorMan HATES Hottie McCreamMyPants and SexyBodyGunsMan. They HATE him back. SexyBodyGunsMan told me he'd kick Hottie McCreamMyPants if he comes around me too much.

I swear I'm not making this up.

SOLUTION - PROBLEM #3

Charge admission to the fight-to-the-death match for my affections. I imagine a ring where I'm reigning high above all with my girlfriends wearing killer outfits and crowns. Throw the boys into a ring wearing a Russell Crowe/Gladiator/300-ish pair of panties and nothing else and smear them with olive oil (cuz it's better for your skin) The thought of it makes me feel funny in my pants....


I'm sorry, did I say these were problems? What the hell am I bitching about?

My apologies to you, dear diary.

Love,
Anastasia

Good Friday...A Year of Liberation

Good Friday
by The Black Crowes

We've been avoiding this for so long
Luxury is temporary then its gone
I thought that we would happen
I guess I'm wrong
We'll say hi on the street
Then we'll move along
I know this will be awkward
But not for long
Cuz soon you'll have a new boy
To sing you songs

I will not forgive you
Nor will I accept the blame
I will see you on Good Friday
On Good Friday

I'm sorry I couldn't do this yesterday
Tomorrow I am busy
And what it is I can't say
Saturday is no good
We've got a show
So it has to be Good Friday
That is so long

I will not forgive you
Nor will I accept the blame
I will see you on Good Friday
On Good Friday

You, you come and go as you please
I know unfulfilled heads
I know you do too
Oh, but i, you know I never see things through
I didn't pay attention to you
Oh, but honey, I tried

I will not forgive you
Nor will I accept the blame
I will see you on Good Friday
On Good Friday


This song has been my anthem for the past year. March 23rd (which last year was a Friday) was the day I had my heart ripped out, smashed and gobbled up as though it were an appetizer. It was my first (and hopefully last, if I have anything to say about it) true heartbreak...cuz I don't count high school. NO ONE...not even my worst enemy...should have to go through that kind of pain. You can't breathe. You think your chest is going to explode from the pain. It is a literal HEART BREAK.

Mine came from left field, which made it even worse. Over the phone...right after I had told him about the possibility of having surgery. A week before my birthday which we had a bunch of plans for. It was my best birthday ever! - NOT! Then two months later he was talking marriage with some psycho blonde cow. I was devastated basically until the first of the year, which now seems so ridiculous. They broke up of course.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Aaron G., emotional fuckwit that he is, for dumping me. It honestly has been the best birthday/life present he could have given me. I've learned more about myself and what I want in my relationships/life from this pain...it's true that growth comes from pain. I got the good end of the deal for sure...I only miss spooning with him sometimes at night, but really, that's it. And I've got lots of options for spooners in my world right now.

I will not forgive him (but I will thank him), nor will I accept the blame, maybe I'll see him on Good Friday....and he'll eat his heart out.

Bridget Lives On

Yesterday, I had to have a special ultrasound on my leg. Leg. Please keep this in mind.

I had to be standing during the test, and two techs worked on me at the same time. There was a woman and a man, the woman was working at the computer thing, and the man had the pleasure of running the ultrasound thing up and down my leg. I had to stand on a stool, and this guy was right in front of me. He lifts my gown up and starts to tuck it into my underwear.

Now, I'm not a modest person, per se, but I didn't get a bikini wax for this thing and he didn't buy me dinner, so I don't feel like he should get to be all up in my junk. I tenderly took the gown from him and made some jokey comment about how he hadn't even bought me a drink yet. He laughed, onward with the test.

About 10 minutes into it, my allergies kicked in. Mr. Ultrasound is checking a vein in my crotchal area, head only about 8 inches away. I have a major sneeze. My whole body scrunches together....

And then thrusts out. Thrusts out so far that I actually bang this poor guy in the head. With my cooter.

What do you say after you almost knock someone over with the force of your pubic area? Normally I'm proud of that accomplishment...tee hee.

I yelled, "Holy Shit! I'm sorry!" and proceeded to lose my beans. I couldn't stop laughing. He starts laughing. The girl starts laughing.

Seriously, that would only happen to me. The funny thing is when I left they were both laughing and the guy yelled out, "Thanks for being my most memorable patient ever!" And I said, "I owe you a drink...."

I'm always infamous vs. famous. I'm that girl that people say, "Remember when we saw that redhead that _______? Man, that was funny! What an idiot!"

You can fill in the blank.

I Know I'm a Downer But I Need to Talk About This

I'm freaking out today. I'll give you a brief re-cap for those of you who are new to the game.

October 2006

I was in the hospital for 7 days with a rare blood clot in my portal vein...it is the main provider of blood to the liver. I was on medical leave for 3 months. On Coumadin, a blood thinner for 6 months...lots of bruises and fun! :)

February 2007

In the hospital again...6 days this time. Medical leave for 2 weeks. Dr's can't figure out why I have the clot. Then it disappears, which is disturbing because, as my ex-boyfriend said, "Where did it go?".

June/July 2007

Gigantic lump develops in my leg, come to find out...you guessed it...blood clot! During surgery the Dr. finds about 10 in my left leg. Yet, and stop me if I feel like this is absolutely ridiculous, they tell me it has nothing to do with the clot in my chest. Huh?

September 2007

Admitted to the hospital because I keep passing out. They keep me overnight to observe...my pulse gets down to 17 during the night. No explanation. But yet, they released me out into the wild.


So that pretty much catches you up. I've actually been able to work for the last 3 months, but this is why I have moved back home and am living with my parents. Lots of medical bills. Never really sure when the other shoe is going to drop...

Which I think it did last night.

I have a new blood clot in my right leg. Now, I haven't been to the Dr. yet, but I know that's what it is. It's just like the other one...really sore, all the veins in my leg are bulging, there's a lump.

Can I just scream now?
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!

They have run tests on me and I don't have any reason to be having these clots. And yet no one can explain why they keep happening. And I'm freaked out because I'm afraid that they're going to put me on Coumadin for the rest of my life, which means I can't do any of the stuff I love like softball or volleyball or basketball...can't ever go skiing. Have to go to the Dr. every week. Be bruised all the time.

I know I'm whining. I'm seriously freaking out right now, I'm at work, and this is the only way I can get it out.

I have been feeling like a normal person for the first time in a LONG time..making plans to move, but now I feel like the needle just scratched across the record.

I came close to dying a couple of times in the hospital (which I never told my family...sorry Gypsy). I know I can handle this.

But I'm going to hit something. Hopefully it won't be my boss. Maybe I'll just stay with the keys on my laptop.

It's All In The Family

My mother is 71 years old. For blog purposes, let's call her Taffy Walnut (her porn name...the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on. Mine is Bunny Roberson). So, Taffy is not your typical 71 year old mom/grandma. She's super sassy. I was so relieved when, as an adult, I realized that my mother was kinda mouthy and dirty like me. I thought maybe they had adopted me...especially since I don't really look like anyone in my family.

Anyway, Taffy has a fantastic ass. Literally, it's better than mine EVER has been...it's like a 21 year old ass. She doesn't work out...and in fact has smoked since she was 17 and has one drink every night. She also doesn't really have wrinkles. It's creepy.

Her ass has become a big subject with my friends and family. After my parents' 50th wedding anniversary this year (yes, that still actually does happen...) we couldn't stop talking about it. Every time she'd get up we'd tease her and tell her to shake it...it's funny cuz she acts embarassed, but really she likes it.

Especially now!

Last night we were talking about all the dudes floating around in my world and the whole MP thing (again why Taffy is the coolest cuz I can talk to her about this stuff), and she says to me, "Well, your sexy thing must run in the family because a bunch of Mexican guys whistled at me today at the Home Depot." I shit you not. My mother, who collects social security is getting the action! She's convinced it's because she dyes her hair dark and had it in a ponytail so they thought she was younger, but it's the power of that booty. She said she didn't turn around to see if there was a hot blonde behind her. I know there wasn't.

I wish I had gotten her ass along with her attitude. :)

And to those of you...Gypsy, Sister of Gypsy...or any other family members who are reading this, I will kill you if you say anything to your mother or MY mother...I don't want her hot ass to kick mine!

But Annie...I'll pay you $50 if sometime when you're driving by the house and she's out you'll yell out, "Nice ass Taffy!" Priceless.